Saturday July 14, 2018

 I was sitting at my desk this morning having a mini-meltdown when I received a notification from Instagram. A memory from a year ago, a picture I had posted of myself in the pool. My first thought reading this would be.." Cool a  happy memory in the pool so you must have been having fun right? Well yes and no, if you go back and read the post I wrote a year ago on this very day after reading this mess, you'll come to realize I am now in the same fucked up place I was back then. A million miles away from my best friend who I would kill to spend an afternoon doing nothing but laughing together . I'm still not on speaking terms with the same people I wrote about ghosting me and have basically spent the last year morning people who are still alive but choose not to be in my life let alone share there lives with me. I know what you're thinking, fuck it why care about someone who doesn't care about you. Well, it's not that simple, I will always care for them and as long as I live and breath I will mourn them. But that's a different story for a different day.
Ironically I was thinking about spending today poolside, by myself of course. I've been doing that a lot lately, spending time by myself that is. Normally I don't mind I love my alone time, but lately Instagram has been messing with my head. Now I know half of what people post is BS and they always seem to be having the time if their lives and they only post the good times. But it still got me thinking and as the kids say feeling some type of way. Mikey has made a lot of new friends at work, who he spends most of his time with on and off the clock. Great for him but I can't say the same. I work from home have zero interactions with another human IRL, I  hardly ever leave the house except to check the mail or throw out the trash.j
With our insane schedules, we only have one day off together but I do get off early on the weekends, lately, it's like pulling teeth trying to get him out of the house for a few hours. On the 4th I had to beg him to go with me to see the firework display which was a five min drive from our apt. We didn't end up going of course after I spent a good five mins trying to convince him, I walked away with an uneasy feeling. I didn't like the look on his face or the fact the I had to beg him to go with me. He really didn't want to go,so once it was time to leave I just told him I changed my mind and didn't want to go, he asked me a couple times why and then went about his night. From that day I reinstated my never ask twice rule again. If I have to ask twice then you might as well do it yourself ,it's pointless to keep asking. You should never have to beg or convince someone to spend time with you they either do or they don't.
I hate to say this but I am starting to feel like I did back when I was married, back then I felt like a single mom having to do everything on my own. Now I feel like a single person waiting around for my boyfriend to have time to spend with me. Only we live together, which then makes me feel like I'm living with a roommate who I sleep with cook and clean for. I've tried to tell him multiple times how I feel but it always comes down to being my fault for not having friends, a normal job or a normal schedule. He is pushing me away and doesn't even realize it or maybe he does and just doesn't care.
So back to my rant about Instagram and how I got to this point. All I see is couples, or families spending time together having fun laughing and I'm here turning into a bitter old lady. All I'm asking for is a lunch or dinner date once s week, nothing fancy  would be more than happy with Taco Bell in the park. A walk around the block on a nice night. Trying a new restaurant,going shopping,he'll we don't even have to go somewhere all the time sit with me in silence by the pool. YES I agree, I need to stay off social media, there's a whole lot of things I need to do. But first I am going to change into my swimsuit, grab a book, call my best friend and cry by the pool.