Sunday, October 20, 2019

Sunday what is funday?

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and your soul hurts? I am starting to think I do spend too much time on social media staring at pictures of people who look happy surrounded by friends and family. It's almost near impossible to stay off social media in this day and age. My 86 year old mother is on Facebook for goodness sake! A woman who swore she would never participate in such a time-sucking foolish past time spends her time trolling and posting videos of dancing frogs. I gave up Facebook a long time ago, of course, it's only deactivated I don't want to lose some memories and pictures, a lie I tell my self so I can go in every once in a while to see what my "friends" are up to. I use the term friends lightly, I don't have friends. Even my best friend who knows I have been in a rough place hasn't checked in on me in months. My Instagram circle is small but full of influencers who I know in the back of my mind don't live these perfect lives but still, manage to depress the hell out of me on Friday & Saturday nights when I find my self alone because I have to "work so I can't go out". Part of my frustration today is that I had plans, or should I say we had plans but I was quickly shoved aside when something else came up. Then, of course, Saturday comes around and there's a park day that I was once again left out of because "I have to work"well its 7:20 am and  I guess it was lit because he is still not home. Now today whenever he chooses to show up he is going to want to hang out when he wakes up that is, so I am going to try to make some other plans with my self which sounds sad but hey what else can I do I really don't want to sit around mopping looking bitter AF. To top it off I think that Aunt Flow is rearing her ugly mug, I am oversensitive and angry at the same time! I am thinking I might go catch a movie, stroll around Ikea for hours and eat some yummy ass food, that without a doubt seems like a good day to me.
For anyone reading this, don't feel sorry for me I have been alone all my life so I am pretty used to it, going to a movie or dining out alone doesn't bother me one bit, but it does seem to make other pretty uncomfortable. Being an only child with a much older brother has made me pretty independent and strong. But being that I am in a relationship it would be nice if we did stuff together once in a while you know?  It would be nice to have a considerate partner who took my feelings into account for once.
Rant over, for now, I have a long to-do list for the rest of the morning while I work, so far its been slow so I should get a lot done which makes me somewhat happy.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Back to normal??!!

The last time I checked in was in the middle of a very hot summer and now its fall and it's slowly starting to feel like it. This summer by the way sucked, I made it out to the pool twice because our complex decided to do some repairs. Who does that in the middle of the summer????!! Monsters!! Well, it didn't really matter its not like I had that much time on my hands to lay out by the pool.
 The last week in July Mikey hurt his back, he went to the doctor and was given the usual treatment of meds, stretches and rest. A week later he couldn't walk and being the stubborn man that he is he crawled around in pain until I forced him to go to the ER. He was admitted that night and had emergency surgery a couple days later. It's been a tough few months for both of us, I have never been more grateful to work from home. I was able to work and take care of him, but I did take a few weeks off in between (from work that is not from taking care of him of course) He was given a few months off work to recover, towards the end of the summer we went up to Reno to visit his sister. We even made it out to Lake Tahoe for a day. It was so beautiful. We need to travel to more beautiful places like this. The weather was perfect and the water was clear. I came back refreshed and relaxed.

 Mikey's getting back to return to work and I am getting ready to return to my regularly scheduled programming. Honestly, I have missed my alone time a little but these last couple of months brought us closer and I have enjoyed having him home. So this weekend is going to be dedicated to deep cleaning and organizing. It kind feels like when you're getting ready for the kids to go back to school! Anyway, the goal is not to go back to my "normal" routine. I want to have time to write, create and work out. Wish me luck!

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Saturday July 14, 2018

 I was sitting at my desk this morning having a mini-meltdown when I received a notification from Instagram. A memory from a year ago, a picture I had posted of myself in the pool. My first thought reading this would be.." Cool a  happy memory in the pool so you must have been having fun right? Well yes and no, if you go back and read the post I wrote a year ago on this very day after reading this mess, you'll come to realize I am now in the same fucked up place I was back then. A million miles away from my best friend who I would kill to spend an afternoon doing nothing but laughing together . I'm still not on speaking terms with the same people I wrote about ghosting me and have basically spent the last year morning people who are still alive but choose not to be in my life let alone share there lives with me. I know what you're thinking, fuck it why care about someone who doesn't care about you. Well, it's not that simple, I will always care for them and as long as I live and breath I will mourn them. But that's a different story for a different day.
Ironically I was thinking about spending today poolside, by myself of course. I've been doing that a lot lately, spending time by myself that is. Normally I don't mind I love my alone time, but lately Instagram has been messing with my head. Now I know half of what people post is BS and they always seem to be having the time if their lives and they only post the good times. But it still got me thinking and as the kids say feeling some type of way. Mikey has made a lot of new friends at work, who he spends most of his time with on and off the clock. Great for him but I can't say the same. I work from home have zero interactions with another human IRL, I  hardly ever leave the house except to check the mail or throw out the trash.j
With our insane schedules, we only have one day off together but I do get off early on the weekends, lately, it's like pulling teeth trying to get him out of the house for a few hours. On the 4th I had to beg him to go with me to see the firework display which was a five min drive from our apt. We didn't end up going of course after I spent a good five mins trying to convince him, I walked away with an uneasy feeling. I didn't like the look on his face or the fact the I had to beg him to go with me. He really didn't want to go,so once it was time to leave I just told him I changed my mind and didn't want to go, he asked me a couple times why and then went about his night. From that day I reinstated my never ask twice rule again. If I have to ask twice then you might as well do it yourself ,it's pointless to keep asking. You should never have to beg or convince someone to spend time with you they either do or they don't.
I hate to say this but I am starting to feel like I did back when I was married, back then I felt like a single mom having to do everything on my own. Now I feel like a single person waiting around for my boyfriend to have time to spend with me. Only we live together, which then makes me feel like I'm living with a roommate who I sleep with cook and clean for. I've tried to tell him multiple times how I feel but it always comes down to being my fault for not having friends, a normal job or a normal schedule. He is pushing me away and doesn't even realize it or maybe he does and just doesn't care.
So back to my rant about Instagram and how I got to this point. All I see is couples, or families spending time together having fun laughing and I'm here turning into a bitter old lady. All I'm asking for is a lunch or dinner date once s week, nothing fancy  would be more than happy with Taco Bell in the park. A walk around the block on a nice night. Trying a new restaurant,going shopping,he'll we don't even have to go somewhere all the time sit with me in silence by the pool. YES I agree, I need to stay off social media, there's a whole lot of things I need to do. But first I am going to change into my swimsuit, grab a book, call my best friend and cry by the pool.

Monday, January 07, 2019

And so the adventure begins...

I say this at the being of each year... You can start over at anytime, but there is something about the new year that is so deeply ingrained in us that makes us feel like new years day is the prefect time to reinvent our selves and our surrounding spaces. So with that said it's time for The January Cure , my favorite way to start off the new year. This year we are moving into a house so I look forward to having a calm space before the move. Also I am more that sure it will help me purge before the big move.

I started it a little late, Mikey was home for two weeks and so we just enjoyed watching moves and playing games on my time off, after work that is. Lucky guys gets a holiday break, when I am at the most busiest and can't take any time off.  On Friday as soon as he went back to work I started day one .. Clean out one drawer, well if you know me I didn't stop at one so I cleaned every single drawer in the house. Day two was a list of projects, easy peasy I knocked that out and posted it on the fridge so Mikey can see it an tackle them on his days off. Day three was a little more labor intensive, deep clean the bedroom, get fresh flowers, strip the bed, wash the linens, pillows too ( I skipped we replaced all our pillows for the new year) clean mirrors, vacuum etc. I do that every week it is so nice to have a nice clean bedroom at the end of each night! Day four which is today is putting out an out box or bag, coincidentally I started an out bag for clothes and accessories last week. I love the idea of an out box for everything else. I have a feeling I will be getting rid of a lot of things I no longer want and or need. Saturdays and Sundays there are no assignments, so I downloaded and printed out the  January cure calender  and filled in those days with the list of projects so either one of or both of us can tackle them on his days off.

I love Apartment Therapy I spend hours on the site readying articles and gathering ideas. I found some great articles with moving and packing tips too. Usually packing is not something I look forward to but for this move I really can't wait. I am looking forward to getting into a bigger space and rumor has it that my oldest child is moving in with us! I am so happy to have her around for a while! I knew it would happen sooner or later, we all go back to our parents at least once in our lifetime. Hopefully she takes advantage of this chance to become financially independent. Some people offered unnecessary opinions on the subject , but seriously folks we have one job as parents and that's to do it what ever it takes at whatever age to help our children succeed in life. You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18. Okay enough ranting I have too much to do today!