Sunday, July 14, 2019

Saturday July 14, 2018

 I was sitting at my desk this morning having a mini-meltdown when I received a notification from Instagram. A memory from a year ago, a picture I had posted of myself in the pool. My first thought reading this would be.." Cool a  happy memory in the pool so you must have been having fun right? Well yes and no, if you go back and read the post I wrote a year ago on this very day after reading this mess, you'll come to realize I am now in the same fucked up place I was back then. A million miles away from my best friend who I would kill to spend an afternoon doing nothing but laughing together . I'm still not on speaking terms with the same people I wrote about ghosting me and have basically spent the last year morning people who are still alive but choose not to be in my life let alone share there lives with me. I know what you're thinking, fuck it why care about someone who doesn't care about you. Well, it's not that simple, I will always care for them and as long as I live and breath I will mourn them. But that's a different story for a different day.
Ironically I was thinking about spending today poolside, by myself of course. I've been doing that a lot lately, spending time by myself that is. Normally I don't mind I love my alone time, but lately Instagram has been messing with my head. Now I know half of what people post is BS and they always seem to be having the time if their lives and they only post the good times. But it still got me thinking and as the kids say feeling some type of way. Mikey has made a lot of new friends at work, who he spends most of his time with on and off the clock. Great for him but I can't say the same. I work from home have zero interactions with another human IRL, I  hardly ever leave the house except to check the mail or throw out the trash.j
With our insane schedules, we only have one day off together but I do get off early on the weekends, lately, it's like pulling teeth trying to get him out of the house for a few hours. On the 4th I had to beg him to go with me to see the firework display which was a five min drive from our apt. We didn't end up going of course after I spent a good five mins trying to convince him, I walked away with an uneasy feeling. I didn't like the look on his face or the fact the I had to beg him to go with me. He really didn't want to go,so once it was time to leave I just told him I changed my mind and didn't want to go, he asked me a couple times why and then went about his night. From that day I reinstated my never ask twice rule again. If I have to ask twice then you might as well do it yourself ,it's pointless to keep asking. You should never have to beg or convince someone to spend time with you they either do or they don't.
I hate to say this but I am starting to feel like I did back when I was married, back then I felt like a single mom having to do everything on my own. Now I feel like a single person waiting around for my boyfriend to have time to spend with me. Only we live together, which then makes me feel like I'm living with a roommate who I sleep with cook and clean for. I've tried to tell him multiple times how I feel but it always comes down to being my fault for not having friends, a normal job or a normal schedule. He is pushing me away and doesn't even realize it or maybe he does and just doesn't care.
So back to my rant about Instagram and how I got to this point. All I see is couples, or families spending time together having fun laughing and I'm here turning into a bitter old lady. All I'm asking for is a lunch or dinner date once s week, nothing fancy  would be more than happy with Taco Bell in the park. A walk around the block on a nice night. Trying a new restaurant,going shopping,he'll we don't even have to go somewhere all the time sit with me in silence by the pool. YES I agree, I need to stay off social media, there's a whole lot of things I need to do. But first I am going to change into my swimsuit, grab a book, call my best friend and cry by the pool.

Monday, January 07, 2019

And so the adventure begins...

I say this at the being of each year... You can start over at anytime, but there is something about the new year that is so deeply ingrained in us that makes us feel like new years day is the prefect time to reinvent our selves and our surrounding spaces. So with that said it's time for The January Cure , my favorite way to start off the new year. This year we are moving into a house so I look forward to having a calm space before the move. Also I am more that sure it will help me purge before the big move.

I started it a little late, Mikey was home for two weeks and so we just enjoyed watching moves and playing games on my time off, after work that is. Lucky guys gets a holiday break, when I am at the most busiest and can't take any time off.  On Friday as soon as he went back to work I started day one .. Clean out one drawer, well if you know me I didn't stop at one so I cleaned every single drawer in the house. Day two was a list of projects, easy peasy I knocked that out and posted it on the fridge so Mikey can see it an tackle them on his days off. Day three was a little more labor intensive, deep clean the bedroom, get fresh flowers, strip the bed, wash the linens, pillows too ( I skipped we replaced all our pillows for the new year) clean mirrors, vacuum etc. I do that every week it is so nice to have a nice clean bedroom at the end of each night! Day four which is today is putting out an out box or bag, coincidentally I started an out bag for clothes and accessories last week. I love the idea of an out box for everything else. I have a feeling I will be getting rid of a lot of things I no longer want and or need. Saturdays and Sundays there are no assignments, so I downloaded and printed out the  January cure calender  and filled in those days with the list of projects so either one of or both of us can tackle them on his days off.

I love Apartment Therapy I spend hours on the site readying articles and gathering ideas. I found some great articles with moving and packing tips too. Usually packing is not something I look forward to but for this move I really can't wait. I am looking forward to getting into a bigger space and rumor has it that my oldest child is moving in with us! I am so happy to have her around for a while! I knew it would happen sooner or later, we all go back to our parents at least once in our lifetime. Hopefully she takes advantage of this chance to become financially independent. Some people offered unnecessary opinions on the subject , but seriously folks we have one job as parents and that's to do it what ever it takes at whatever age to help our children succeed in life. You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18. Okay enough ranting I have too much to do today!

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

No New Year New Me Here!

Work was delightfully slow yesterday and I had every intention of writing out a long list of new year's resolutions. Then I decided to look up the difference between resolutions and goals, Resolutions are a firm decision to do or not to do something, a goal is the object of a persons desired ambition or effort :an aim or desired result. So since a goal involves intention setting, planning, preparing and taking realistic action my only new years resolution is to set goals for my self this year. 
I started with a small list of attainable goals with dates, then I wrote a plan of action under each one, For example lose twenty pounds by June 21, by exercising, eating healthy meals, and cutting back on dairy and sugar. I also set a couple long term goals like getting off my medication by the end of the year, my weight loss is crucial to helping me achieve this one. 
In the middle of this process Mikey walked in he made me watch some videos about manifestations and meditations, nothing new to me I've been dabbling in both for years. We had talked about it in the past but he laughed it off, so I figured he wasn't ready so I dropped the subject. Anyhow we had a long talk after wards about life, setting goals and mindset. He seems ready to change his mindset, which makes me so happy he was in a very dark place a few weeks ago. We wrote out a few goals for us as a couple and finished out our individual goal list. 
To ring in the new year we made two huge charcuterie platters, opened a bottle of wine and watched Bandersnatch.
This year I am not going to make false promises to my self I don't want to be a "new me" I like the me I am today i just want to be a better me mentally and physically I just want to be healthy. 

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Let's have some coffee & catch up.....

I can't believe we are only a couple of days away from 2019 and everyone keeps asking if I'm ready. Ready for what???? The only thing I am ready for is all the blessing coming my way this next year.
Enough about the new year lets catch up on the last few months since I fell off the writing wagon once again.

October ended with a nice week long visit from my bestie. I wrote a whole post about it, I even had pictures!  And I accidentally deleted it and was so upset that I didn't re-post it. Nothing bothers me more than writing a whole long post only to lose it. I actually did it twice in October, which is why its taken me so long to decide to sit down and write again.
I also thought I had made a friend, a neighbor who I hung out with a couple of times. She's the come over we'll have coffee type. It seemed like we bonded over some issues we had in common. Then she started asking me to watch her kid for a few hours and I did. But then she started asking every Saturday night. Now I am the first to admit I don't have much of a social life but weekends are the only days I get to spend a few hours with Mikey due to our schedules. And lets not forget I work on weekends! I have to be up at 4 am. I am down to do you a favor once in a while but don't take advantage of my kindness. This misconception people have of us work from home people pisses me off. Just because I work from home doesn't mean I lay around all day. I work! My job isn't physically demanding but its draining mentally. And on slow days I probably do more that the average person. I clean my house,do laundry,  prep and or cook lunch and/ or dinner. And she's never once offered to pay me. Which was not the issue by the way but she didn't even offer.  I am so over trying to make new friends at my age, it just seems like everyone is about what you can do for them. Bitch please, I ain't got time for those games.

November also ended with a huge surprise. On Thanksgiving I called my mom after dinner. Dinner was again this year just me and Mikey his family is still tripping with there un-vitation. You don't invite someone you really want to have over the day before. This year his response was the best "absolutely not!" So I made a small dinner for two with all the fixings. I am learning though I did not make a whole bird, this year I made a stuffed turkey breast. I even baked a couple of mini pumpkin and apple pies." Anyhow during our conversation my mom asked me what I had cooked, so I told her and she says oh that sounds good! Save me a plate I will come over tomorrow." I laughed and said "yeah okay mom, I will be waiting" Mind you she lives in Texas currently. So continued on saying "I am serious I will be there tomorrow, I am on my way"  This time she sounded serious and I began crying like a baby. I was happy. She didn't stay with me but I got to spend a few days with her and she even went to dinner with me and Mikey. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the year.

December was emotionally difficult and I had to make some tough choices for my own sanity. It's a process and I learning to let go a little bit at a time.
Anyway we decided to have a small Christmas, we only exchanged pj's and one gift each. We decided our goal of moving into a house next year is more important than going nuts on the holidays. Again we had dinner for two, his family went out of town. We got our un-vitation a few days before, and only because Mikey's brother had a medical emergency and we had to see them at the hospital.
Enough of that non-sense I am over that! A few days ago I got the news that my new temp position is not permanent!! There aren't enough words to describe how grateful I am!! I love my new position, no more dealing with crazy customers! Thank you Jesus!
For new years eve its going to be the usual just the two of us drinks and a charcuterie board. Dinner has not been decided yet, I am trying to talk Mikey into having my famous street tacos!

As far as new years resolutions those are being finalized and posted tomorrow ;)