Sunday, October 28, 2018

A beautifull morning...

Up before the sunrises, working in a  quiet candle lit room is my new normal. Some people think I am crazy for working such insane hours, and the old me would have agreed. But the me now, likes working while everyone else sleeps. Sure there are some days I hate myself when the alarms goes off, but who doesn't atleast once in a while. And of course we have no one to blame but ourselves for feeling that way. Staying up late and not getting enough sleep will do that to you everytime. Practicing daily gratitude this past month has really helped snap improve my mood everyday and stop a bad mood in its tracks.  This new position couldn't have come at a better time, I was really starting to hate my job.People and thier crazy unrealistic demands were getting to be too much for me. I wasn't sure how much long I would be able to do my job with out loosing it on someone. But thankfully my new position is giving me a break from daily statistics and killing my self for five stars. Sure I still deal with crazy unreasonable people but they can't rate me and are only pissed off because I  have the ability to make them feel stupid AF.
Of course not everything is perfect adjusting to this drastic time change has not been easy. But I really need to stop blaming my hours, its my own fault that  I haven't exercised in a few weeks. I can go right after work but I have choosen not too. honestly I've been lazy!
So if you haven't guessed by now I'm on this new journey to find peace with in my self, by being painfully honest with my self naturally. Accepting my part in all my past mistakes and letting go of them one by one. So how did I get here you might ask, well I just woke up they one day and realized I have too much baggage that I need to unpack and put away. 

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Where do I begin....

9:00 AM
This seems to be the current life theme for me lately. I fell off the wagon and haven't been able to catch up to it and hop back on. No, I do not have a drinking problem I just really like that expression. It accurately describes how I feel when I fall out of my normal routine. So how did it happen you asked? A few weeks ago I was feeling a little unappreciated and lonely. More than likely it was just one of the many side effects of PMS, but of course, at the time I didn't see it that way. I really never do until a week or two later when everything's okay and I try to figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling at the time. This time was a little different though after I worked through my feelings by lashing out at Mikey, a fell into a rut that I have not been able to shake. I haven't worked out, fell behind on my chores and I have been eating crappy again. In the past, I usually take a day off and play catch up. I know I have said time and time again, I cannot function in chaos!!!!! And the longer I wallow and procrastinate the situation gets worse. Now with that said that does not mean I have been completely unproductive. The house is a mess in my eyes, but within a couple of hours, I can take care of it. All I need is a to-do list, time and a starting point. Lucky for me the universe blessed me with a new opportunity and five days off! So it's time to shake it off and create that to do list, and decide our starting point.

12:00 PM

First off I decided to organize my list room by room. I  included even the smallest details so that nothing gets overlooked. Once that was done I created a small, not-to-do list prohibiting my self from taking too many social media breaks and skip from room to room, I also promised my self I would stick to one task at a time. Once that was done I decided on my starting point .... the living room since it is the least messy room in the house, I figured it would rev me up, starting small so I don't get overwhelmed. As I type I realize how this all sounds, and I can see the eye rolls and feel the judgment coming down on me. "Does this chick really need the motivation to clean her dang house!" And do I care? No, I don't, I can't explain how complicated, even the smallest bout of depression can affect someone. Human emotions are so complicated, and then there are women.

3:45 PM

 I am off work and officially on "vacation" time to get this party started! Mikey is off for the next couple of days so I made him a small to-do list. Mostly consisting of things that need to get fixed, I know everyone is now in the "we are all equals" frame of mind. But I am Mexican and we don't expect our men to clean, cook, launder. What? don't judge! His mother taught him well, on his days off he cooks or we cook together. He does laundry and helps me keep the house tidy.
What more could I ask for!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

It's a new dawn.It's a new day. It's a new life. For me.....

It's a new day and I  am sitting in an on line mandatory work training seminar, bored out of my mind! It's actually day two and I have one more tomorrow and it's done. Back to work on Friday but with more work, more responsibilities, same shitty pay. I am trying to stay positive but these large corporations pray on those of us who need them more than they need us. They can drop me in a heartbeat and not think twice because there are a million other minions ready to pounce on the opportunity.
On the bright side  I like not having to be up at four am, and not having to go to bed too early. This training is all afternoon and takes up the better part of the day and has been an adjustment. Getting back to my normal routine is going to be rough. Okay enough about work, today is 911 and its almost impossible not to think about that day. Social media makes sure we will never forget and we shouldn't it was such a tragic day. For me that day was two lifetimes ago, I was married and pregnant with my youngest. I was sipping my tea ironing my then husbands uniform while watching the news just like every other day. I was always up an hour before everyone else, it was my quit time. When I tuned in the first plane had hit and no one knew what was going on.While watching the live broadcast the second plane crashed into the second tower. It was so surreal, unlike anything I had ever seen and hope to never see ever again. I remember running to the phone to call my mom, why? honestly when ever something horrible happens I call her. I think its the little girl inside me looking for her to comfort me and tell me every thing's going to be okay. I remember not wanting to take my girls to school in fear that more horrible things were coming. So I took them to my mom's house where they had a normal day with grandma. A cartoons and cereal kind of day. I went to work, we didn't get much done as we sat in front of the TV in a circle holding hands praying. We went from barely knowing each other to forming life long friendships. I wish Americans would stand together everyday, as we did during that time.Tragedy shouldn't be the only thing that brings us together.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Finding my own way...

I had a little breakdown on Tuesday, the stress of letting people back in your life. Opening up and reaching out after reconnecting and having them ghost you again got to me. It slowly started to cause me major anxiety, and on top of that dealing with being alone eighteen hours a day finally made me explode. I tend to hold things in a lot, I don't like to burden others with my problems. Obviously, that technic has not gone well for me in the past so I decided to try a different approach. I reached out to my best friend. Ironically he is going through a transformation of his own, he decided to try eating clean, exercising and just being overall a more positive person. He and I are so much alike, our friends and family are dropping like flies, so we have found ourselves alone for the first time in a long time. Yes, we have each other, but we live in two different states hours away. We can't just go out for coffee or hang out anytime we want to, and it sucks. So we decided to make our selves accountable to each other in our struggles to change our situations. It's been a few days and I can honestly say its helped me so much. We WOMP (Whats on my plate) pictures of each other's plates, I learned that term when I once upon a time gave Fit Girls a try. You basically challenge someone via text message or the gram with #WOMP and the reply with a picture of whats on their plate. It works when you know you have to be accountable to another person. We send each other daily mantras and fun music and work out videos. He sends me the funniest videos he likes to make. I'm really not into recording my self but I might just do it to make him laugh.

The monsoon season has begun and it's been cloudy every day so that might also be affecting my mood. Maybe just maybe normally I love the rain, lightning, and thunder. Today the sun was out nice and bright so I decided to check out the free Zumba class that our complex offers and check out the temp in the pool. I skipped Zumba, it was three women in the clubhouse jamming out with a room full of people trying to celebrate a baby shower, awkward! I walked straight to the pool, the water was so nice and warm! So I went back to my apartment changed, picked up a towel and some water and spent a few hours sitting there enjoying the sun. Now if you knew anything about me you would know that's a huge step for me. We've lived here for over two years and today was the first time I went in the pool and or hung out there by my self! I can't swim and I hate cold water, and I don't feel comfortable hanging out in public places by my self. It was great! The only thing missing besides Mikey was my floatie, my little lungs don't hold enough air to fill it up. Oh well, next time! Because yes there will definitely be a next time! Fuck what anyone else thinks imma do me!