Saturday, December 28, 2019

"It's not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving"

Coming back to work after three days off feels wrong. Everyone should have two weeks off paid of course from the twenty-fourth until the six of January. Well with the exception of supermarkets, emergency rooms/hospitals and gas stations. Although I am finding that there are a lot more places closing on Christmas Day, which is great but for the dummies like me who didn't plan out a meal for that day it's not a fun time. I for some reason though I would have some leftover tamales and posole but, I was only allotted six out of the sixty made and no leftover posole. Oh well at least it was fun and everything was delicious!
 After a great Christmas Eve and an even better Christmas morning, I found some of that Christmas spirit I was missing and I wish I would have ignored it. I reached out to my MIA family and got either no response, a meaningless response, and a mean/ downright nasty response. So lesson learned I asked for it not doing that again. 2020 is the year for no fucks given, doing what's good for me and healing from my past once and for all.
Anyhow Mikey went so overboard with presents, and I cried. No one has ever done that for me, with the exception of my mom. I don't mean that in a materialistic kind of way, its not the presents it was the love and thought that was put into each one. I have always been spoiled in every relationship I have been in but there was no love behind the gifts were attempts to buy my affection or make up for the lack of time/effort put into it. Mikey's face lit up as I opened each gift, I loved everything! 
Especially my Fitbit Versa2 that I am learning to use, now I really have no excuse to work out. (insert sad face here, my fatty ass is cold and does not want to move)
So my apt is coming back together, but since the new year is upon us that means its gotta be spotless! Ugh,the curse of being Mexican and superstitious! If you don't know what I am talking about, the belief is that if you don't clean your house it will be dirty for the rest of the year! 
So I am working on getting it cleaned but more than anything I want to organize it so I am looking forward to the January Cure! But since that begins in January I feel like I can't wait. My closet is my first victim its not crazy disorganized but it needs a little love. I took pictures of all our shoes with my Instax Mini and attached them to the shoe boxes. I love not having to dig through boxes! So now I need a few baskets for my winter gear, gloves, hats, socks, and scarves. I also upgraded to grown-up hangers, no plastic or wire ones the pretty velvet ones. It was not that expensive either and it gives the closet a much better look and feel. I have been going through Pinterest and Youtube for ideas but no one has good ideas for small apt walk-in closets! So off to the store,I go to look for inspiration and ideas! 

Monday, December 23, 2019

Bah Humbug

Two more days till Christmas and I am still grinchy AF. I honestly think what I am experiencing has nothing to do with the holiday, I've been consulting Dr. Google and we've decided I may be experiencing a case of seasonal depression. No offense to people who have actually been diagnosed by a real physician, all my symptoms match then again so does those of mesothelioma. 
Nevermind that I have been working overtime and don't get enough rest, I just haven't been feeling like my self.
November was crazy and the best month so far. My daughter her new beau and one of my best friends and mentors surprised me with a visit just in time for Mikey's birthday.  I was crazy busy cooking but they jumped in and helped, it was just like old times. Which in retrospect has made me miss them all the much more.  My apartment has not yet recovered, I have yet to shampoo the carpets and organize the kitchen but I just can't get my ass back in gear. Thanksgiving was good, just the two of us as always. I am finally mastering the art of cooking for two, we didn't have leftovers for months this time. 
December has had some ups and downs my daughter was supposed to come and stay for a couple weeks but she was laid off and got stuck on cat sitting duty while her sperm donor ran off to Europe to get married to his fake fiance. (That's a long story for another day!)
So that's part of my sadness, I was looking forward to spending time with her. I miss my kids tremendously and I am beyond grateful at least one of my children still allows me to be a part of their lives. My mom was also supposed to visit over the Thanksgiving holiday but she broke her arm and wasn't able to make it. 
For the past few years, Mikey has been the grinchy one not wanting to celebrate anything so this year I didn't fight him. I put up lights in my office and the little decorations I have without making a fuss, and to my surprise, Mikey was somehow magically filled with the Christmas spirit. He surprised me with a tree and he got me a bunch of presents. I, of course, did not budget for the holiday so I have had to scramble to get him a few things. I went all out for his birthday since I thought he wouldn't want to celebrate again this year. I got him a Gucci wallet and his party was expensive. He keeps telling me he wants nothing and that I deserve to be spoiled. I am just happy because little by little my wish came true and I am getting my old sweet Mikey back. 
But even with all that going on I still can't get into it, I feel like something is missing. Oh and to top it off his mom who has not been around for the last few years, with good reason her fiance had stage four cancer and she has been busy taking care of him. So out of nowhere she is coming into town and wants to learn to make tamales and pozole. Which translates to I am making pozole and tamales for Christmas! Again I am happy but then again I'm not. In a couple of hours, we are going shopping for everything needed and I am so unmotivated. I have about an hour left of my shift and need to take a break so I can shower and look like I care so I better get my butt moving. 

Sunday, October 20, 2019

Sunday what is funday?

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and your soul hurts? I am starting to think I do spend too much time on social media staring at pictures of people who look happy surrounded by friends and family. It's almost near impossible to stay off social media in this day and age. My 86 year old mother is on Facebook for goodness sake! A woman who swore she would never participate in such a time-sucking foolish past time spends her time trolling and posting videos of dancing frogs. I gave up Facebook a long time ago, of course, it's only deactivated I don't want to lose some memories and pictures, a lie I tell my self so I can go in every once in a while to see what my "friends" are up to. I use the term friends lightly, I don't have friends. Even my best friend who knows I have been in a rough place hasn't checked in on me in months. My Instagram circle is small but full of influencers who I know in the back of my mind don't live these perfect lives but still, manage to depress the hell out of me on Friday & Saturday nights when I find my self alone because I have to "work so I can't go out". Part of my frustration today is that I had plans, or should I say we had plans but I was quickly shoved aside when something else came up. Then, of course, Saturday comes around and there's a park day that I was once again left out of because "I have to work"well its 7:20 am and  I guess it was lit because he is still not home. Now today whenever he chooses to show up he is going to want to hang out when he wakes up that is, so I am going to try to make some other plans with my self which sounds sad but hey what else can I do I really don't want to sit around mopping looking bitter AF. To top it off I think that Aunt Flow is rearing her ugly mug, I am oversensitive and angry at the same time! I am thinking I might go catch a movie, stroll around Ikea for hours and eat some yummy ass food, that without a doubt seems like a good day to me.
For anyone reading this, don't feel sorry for me I have been alone all my life so I am pretty used to it, going to a movie or dining out alone doesn't bother me one bit, but it does seem to make other pretty uncomfortable. Being an only child with a much older brother has made me pretty independent and strong. But being that I am in a relationship it would be nice if we did stuff together once in a while you know?  It would be nice to have a considerate partner who took my feelings into account for once.
Rant over, for now, I have a long to-do list for the rest of the morning while I work, so far its been slow so I should get a lot done which makes me somewhat happy.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Back to normal??!!

The last time I checked in was in the middle of a very hot summer and now its fall and it's slowly starting to feel like it. This summer by the way sucked, I made it out to the pool twice because our complex decided to do some repairs. Who does that in the middle of the summer????!! Monsters!! Well, it didn't really matter its not like I had that much time on my hands to lay out by the pool.
 The last week in July Mikey hurt his back, he went to the doctor and was given the usual treatment of meds, stretches and rest. A week later he couldn't walk and being the stubborn man that he is he crawled around in pain until I forced him to go to the ER. He was admitted that night and had emergency surgery a couple days later. It's been a tough few months for both of us, I have never been more grateful to work from home. I was able to work and take care of him, but I did take a few weeks off in between (from work that is not from taking care of him of course) He was given a few months off work to recover, towards the end of the summer we went up to Reno to visit his sister. We even made it out to Lake Tahoe for a day. It was so beautiful. We need to travel to more beautiful places like this. The weather was perfect and the water was clear. I came back refreshed and relaxed.

 Mikey's getting back to return to work and I am getting ready to return to my regularly scheduled programming. Honestly, I have missed my alone time a little but these last couple of months brought us closer and I have enjoyed having him home. So this weekend is going to be dedicated to deep cleaning and organizing. It kind feels like when you're getting ready for the kids to go back to school! Anyway, the goal is not to go back to my "normal" routine. I want to have time to write, create and work out. Wish me luck!

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Saturday July 14, 2018

 I was sitting at my desk this morning having a mini-meltdown when I received a notification from Instagram. A memory from a year ago, a picture I had posted of myself in the pool. My first thought reading this would be.." Cool a  happy memory in the pool so you must have been having fun right? Well yes and no, if you go back and read the post I wrote a year ago on this very day after reading this mess, you'll come to realize I am now in the same fucked up place I was back then. A million miles away from my best friend who I would kill to spend an afternoon doing nothing but laughing together . I'm still not on speaking terms with the same people I wrote about ghosting me and have basically spent the last year morning people who are still alive but choose not to be in my life let alone share there lives with me. I know what you're thinking, fuck it why care about someone who doesn't care about you. Well, it's not that simple, I will always care for them and as long as I live and breath I will mourn them. But that's a different story for a different day.
Ironically I was thinking about spending today poolside, by myself of course. I've been doing that a lot lately, spending time by myself that is. Normally I don't mind I love my alone time, but lately Instagram has been messing with my head. Now I know half of what people post is BS and they always seem to be having the time if their lives and they only post the good times. But it still got me thinking and as the kids say feeling some type of way. Mikey has made a lot of new friends at work, who he spends most of his time with on and off the clock. Great for him but I can't say the same. I work from home have zero interactions with another human IRL, I  hardly ever leave the house except to check the mail or throw out the trash.j
With our insane schedules, we only have one day off together but I do get off early on the weekends, lately, it's like pulling teeth trying to get him out of the house for a few hours. On the 4th I had to beg him to go with me to see the firework display which was a five min drive from our apt. We didn't end up going of course after I spent a good five mins trying to convince him, I walked away with an uneasy feeling. I didn't like the look on his face or the fact the I had to beg him to go with me. He really didn't want to go,so once it was time to leave I just told him I changed my mind and didn't want to go, he asked me a couple times why and then went about his night. From that day I reinstated my never ask twice rule again. If I have to ask twice then you might as well do it yourself ,it's pointless to keep asking. You should never have to beg or convince someone to spend time with you they either do or they don't.
I hate to say this but I am starting to feel like I did back when I was married, back then I felt like a single mom having to do everything on my own. Now I feel like a single person waiting around for my boyfriend to have time to spend with me. Only we live together, which then makes me feel like I'm living with a roommate who I sleep with cook and clean for. I've tried to tell him multiple times how I feel but it always comes down to being my fault for not having friends, a normal job or a normal schedule. He is pushing me away and doesn't even realize it or maybe he does and just doesn't care.
So back to my rant about Instagram and how I got to this point. All I see is couples, or families spending time together having fun laughing and I'm here turning into a bitter old lady. All I'm asking for is a lunch or dinner date once s week, nothing fancy  would be more than happy with Taco Bell in the park. A walk around the block on a nice night. Trying a new restaurant,going shopping,he'll we don't even have to go somewhere all the time sit with me in silence by the pool. YES I agree, I need to stay off social media, there's a whole lot of things I need to do. But first I am going to change into my swimsuit, grab a book, call my best friend and cry by the pool.