January 2017 you really sucked....

I just can't seem to shake off 2016, my procrastination and lack of motivation are worse than ever. Last week while I was on the phone with a customer my daughter messaged me telling me a close family friend had passed away. He committed suicide. My customer was yelling at me about canceling an order, but I couldn't understand what she was saying her voice suddenly sounded like the adults on the peanuts gang. It took everything I had in me not to hang up and or tell her off. I could not take my eyes off the screen and those words.."he killed himself!" Eddie and I had not spoken in a few years ( his choice not mine) but he remained close to the girls. He was my roommate in college, my ex husbands best friend, my daughters god father. He stopped talking to me when things with Mikey and I got serious. Shortly before he had been messaging me asking me out for a drink, telling me I meant more than his forty year relationship with my ex. I never really thought of him in a romantic sort of way. He was a good looking man, sweet and kind but in my mind he was more of a brother. For the past twenty some years he was always around helping with the girls, spoiling them, listening to me vent about my ex. I just recently was wondering how he was since my ex moved a few hours away from him. He wasn't much for social media so there was not way to contact him. The girls saw him every weekend they said he looked and sounded fine. The gave me a timeline of events before his death, they said they saw him on Saturday and there was nothing out of the ordinary, they said he was his normal happy self.  On Sunday he wrote them letters with no explanation for his actions just a good bye and copy of his will, he left them everything.  On Monday he went in to work cleaned out his office and went home. Sometime between Monday night and Tuesday night he hung himself. My ex mother in law found his body after she was asked to check in on him because he had not shown up to work and that was not like him at all. The girls were told there was an accident and rushed to his house with their father, they arrived to get  just in time to see the coroner removing his body from the apartment. I can't imaging how horrible that must of been and the memory of the last time they saw their beloved uncle. My daughters words have haunted me since that day. She said it was like losing a father and she keep saying "why did he leave us, why". I had no answer all I could say was that he was surely in a lot of pain, pain so great he could no longer bear it. I told her he was at peace now, but even I questioned the words coming out of my mouth. Was he is he at peace, why did he leave? what could I have done? why wasn't I more insistent on being in his life more, would it have made a difference. I pray for his soul and for my self and the girls, I pray we all find peace.....