Day #456 Life in Quarantine

Let's be real... My life hasn't changed too much since the lockdown but when you're told you can't do something that's when you want it the most. I still work from home but before the quarantine, I started going out a bit more and I even had a couple friends. Now I still work from home but those newly formed friendships fizzled out and now Mikey is working from home but after the thirteen days of hellish quarantine, he did eventually see the error of his ways and has changed for the better. Meaning? He is taking this whole situation a bit more seriously. Plus my stubborn behind finally realized he's no a mind reader, who knew you had to tell people what you're thinking and feeling. I didn't, well I did but growing up in a Mexican family you learn pretty quickly that having feelings and expressing your opinion isn't a good idea unless you want to be labeled week and well your thoughts/opinions don't even matter so it's pointless. I really need therapy and I have been but that's another story for another day.

After a long search, I finally found a decently priced car so we are no longer a one-car household. The only problem is we are still under quarantine and we don't have a set date to reopen, which in all honestly I don't have a problem with I will continue my self imposed quarantine for the rest of the year. But I do miss my walks to Target and Homegoods, and I have gone into target a few times to get essentials but it's not the same. 

At work we are being forced to use our time off so I'm taking this next week off and I have major plans to deep clean, declutter, and re-organize my closets, bedroom, living room, patio, hallway, and kitchen and I am so excited! I don't know why I am this way and why cleaning makes me so happy I must have been born with some mutant must clean/organize gene. Wish me luck  & stay safe. 

Life in quarantine

"In 2020 do something that scares you everyday"   That was going to be the title of my January post, who would have thought a few months later running a simple errand such as grocery shopping or walking to the mail box would qualify as such. If you are reading this and you are not in quarantine or affected by this madness please comment and include your address so I can move there asap. I unfortunately
fall into the "immunocompromised" category so my life has certainly shifted. Am I scared? most definitely . But I can't say the same for eveyone in my household. Mikey has made it very clear that if he  gets it he will be okay and thinks this is all a bunch of made-up nonsense designed to put everyone in a panicked state. If I haven't mentioned this before he is big into conspiracy theories and while most of the time I don't disagree with a good conspiracy theory this is most definitely a different scenario. It's most definitely a reboot and or reset in our matrix and the world as we once knew it will never be the same. I wanted to take this time to reboot myself, learn and grow from this experience. Come out to a better person. But sadly his actions have made me look at him in a different light and unless he mysteriously wakes up one day a changed man, we might not make it through this quarantine.
We haven't spoken in a week, because last week he decided to party with his friends was more important than my health and well being. I am sure some people will disagree and think I'm being overdramatic, and to those people, I say put yourself in my shoes. Imagine the one person who is supposed to love you and protect decides that he's willing to risk your life so he can go out and hang out with his friends. How would you feel? Would you be so quick to forgive him?
I know it's not the time to be angry and this whole situation makes for a hellish quarantine but sometimes you have to stand your ground, especially when it's your life that's at risk. 

"It's not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving"

Coming back to work after three days off feels wrong. Everyone should have two weeks off paid of course from the twenty-fourth until the six of January. Well with the exception of supermarkets, emergency rooms/hospitals and gas stations. Although I am finding that there are a lot more places closing on Christmas Day, which is great but for the dummies like me who didn't plan out a meal for that day it's not a fun time. I for some reason though I would have some leftover tamales and posole but, I was only allotted six out of the sixty made and no leftover posole. Oh well at least it was fun and everything was delicious!

 After a great Christmas Eve and an even better Christmas morning, I found some of that Christmas spirit I was missing and I wish I would have ignored it. I reached out to my MIA family and got either no response, a meaningless response, and a mean/ downright nasty response. So lesson learned I asked for it not doing that again. 2020 is the year for no fucks given, doing what's good for me and healing from my past once and for all.

Anyhow Mikey went so overboard with presents, and I cried. No one has ever done that for me, with the exception of my mom. I don't mean that in a materialistic kind of way, its not the presents it was the love and thought that was put into each one. I have always been spoiled in every relationship I have been in but there was no love behind the gifts were attempts to buy my affection or make up for the lack of time/effort put into it. Mikey's face lit up as I opened each gift, I loved everything! 

Especially my Fitbit Versa2 that I am learning to use, now I really have no excuse to work out. (insert sad face here, my fatty ass is cold and does not want to move)

So my apt is coming back together, but since the new year is upon us that means its gotta be spotless! Ugh,the curse of being Mexican and superstitious! If you don't know what I am talking about, the belief is that if you don't clean your house it will be dirty for the rest of the year! 

So I am working on getting it cleaned but more than anything I want to organize it so I am looking forward to the January Cure! But since that begins in January I feel like I can't wait. My closet is my first victim its not crazy disorganized but it needs a little love. I took pictures of all our shoes with my Instax Mini and attached them to the shoe boxes. I love not having to dig through boxes! So now I need a few baskets for my winter gear, gloves, hats, socks, and scarves. I also upgraded to grown-up hangers, no plastic or wire ones the pretty velvet ones. It was not that expensive either and it gives the closet a much better look and feel. I have been going through Pinterest and Youtube for ideas but no one has good ideas for small apt walk-in closets! So off to the store,I go to look for inspiration and ideas! 

Bah Humbug

Two more days till Christmas and I am still grinchy AF. I honestly think what I am experiencing has nothing to do with the holiday, I've been consulting Dr. Google and we've decided I may be experiencing a case of seasonal depression. No offense to people who have actually been diagnosed by a real physician, all my symptoms match then again so does those of mesothelioma. 

Nevermind that I have been working overtime and don't get enough rest, I just haven't been feeling like my self.

November was crazy and the best month so far. My daughter her new beau and one of my best friends and mentors surprised me with a visit just in time for Mikey's birthday.  I was crazy busy cooking but they jumped in and helped, it was just like old times. Which in retrospect has made me miss them all the much more.  My apartment has not yet recovered, I have yet to shampoo the carpets and organize the kitchen but I just can't get my ass back in gear. Thanksgiving was good, just the two of us as always. I am finally mastering the art of cooking for two, we didn't have leftovers for months this time. 

December has had some ups and downs my daughter was supposed to come and stay for a couple weeks but she was laid off and got stuck on cat sitting duty while her sperm donor ran off to Europe to get married to his fake fiance. (That's a long story for another day!)

So that's part of my sadness, I was looking forward to spending time with her. I miss my kids tremendously and I am beyond grateful at least one of my children still allows me to be a part of their lives. My mom was also supposed to visit over the Thanksgiving holiday but she broke her arm and wasn't able to make it. 

For the past few years, Mikey has been the grinchy one not wanting to celebrate anything so this year I didn't fight him. I put up lights in my office and the little decorations I have without making a fuss, and to my surprise, Mikey was somehow magically filled with the Christmas spirit. He surprised me with a tree and he got me a bunch of presents. I, of course, did not budget for the holiday so I have had to scramble to get him a few things. I went all out for his birthday since I thought he wouldn't want to celebrate again this year. I got him a Gucci wallet and his party was expensive. He keeps telling me he wants nothing and that I deserve to be spoiled. I am just happy because little by little my wish came true and I am getting my old sweet Mikey back. 

But even with all that going on I still can't get into it, I feel like something is missing. Oh and to top it off his mom who has not been around for the last few years, with good reason her fiance had stage four cancer and she has been busy taking care of him. So out of nowhere she is coming into town and wants to learn to make tamales and pozole. Which translates to I am making pozole and tamales for Christmas! Again I am happy but then again I'm not. In a couple of hours, we are going shopping for everything needed and I am so unmotivated. I have about an hour left of my shift and need to take a break so I can shower and look like I care so I better get my butt moving. 

Sunday what is funday?

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and your soul hurts? I am starting to think I do spend too much time on social media staring at pictures of people who look happy surrounded by friends and family. It's almost near impossible to stay off social media in this day and age. My 86 year old mother is on Facebook for goodness sake! A woman who swore she would never participate in such a time-sucking foolish past time spends her time trolling and posting videos of dancing frogs. I gave up Facebook a long time ago, of course, it's only deactivated I don't want to lose some memories and pictures, a lie I tell my self so I can go in every once in a while to see what my "friends" are up to. I use the term friends lightly, I don't have friends. Even my best friend who knows I have been in a rough place hasn't checked in on me in months. My Instagram circle is small but full of influencers who I know in the back of my mind don't live these perfect lives but still, manage to depress the hell out of me on Friday & Saturday nights when I find my self alone because I have to "work so I can't go out". Part of my frustration today is that I had plans, or should I say we had plans but I was quickly shoved aside when something else came up. Then, of course, Saturday comes around and there's a park day that I was once again left out of because "I have to work"well its 7:20 am and  I guess it was lit because he is still not home. Now today whenever he chooses to show up he is going to want to hang out when he wakes up that is, so I am going to try to make some other plans with my self which sounds sad but hey what else can I do I really don't want to sit around mopping looking bitter AF. To top it off I think that Aunt Flow is rearing her ugly mug, I am oversensitive and angry at the same time! I am thinking I might go catch a movie, stroll around Ikea for hours and eat some yummy ass food, that without a doubt seems like a good day to me.
For anyone reading this, don't feel sorry for me I have been alone all my life so I am pretty used to it, going to a movie or dining out alone doesn't bother me one bit, but it does seem to make other pretty uncomfortable. Being an only child with a much older brother has made me pretty independent and strong. But being that I am in a relationship it would be nice if we did stuff together once in a while you know?  It would be nice to have a considerate partner who took my feelings into account for once.
Rant over, for now, I have a long to-do list for the rest of the morning while I work, so far its been slow so I should get a lot done which makes me somewhat happy.